Tagged: articles

5 Helpful On-Campus Tips To Avoid Getting Shot

This article was also featured on Points In Case

In America, choosing to continue your education past high-school can take quite the toll on your wallet and liver, but these days it’s more than likely that each day you choose to attend a University or College class could be your last. It seems that all the high-school sharpshooters that we were so afraid of 5 years ago have graduated and are taking aim at YOUR campus. In fact, the only person that your parents fear more than the ‘masked gunman’ right now is that Kony fellow the adorable child warned them about on YouTube. Now, while it may seem that the only logical solution is to simply avoid going class lest you start ducking shots like Young Buck, I have five foolproof alternatives that are sure to save your life. Maybe.

1. Play More Videogames

Upon their conception, games like Call Of Duty and CounterStrike were supposed to be nothing but mindless fun for the masses. However, thanks to lax gun laws and high tuition costs, those games have now become training simulations for everyday life. While you may instinctually reach toward the games where you play the gun-toting aggressor, your best chance of survival lies in the sandbox titles. Being behind the scope of an Akimbo UMP45 may be fun, but knowing how to dodge a hail of bullets from angry gang members is a vastly superior life-skill. In case shit indeed does go down, remember that the human body doesn’t normally regenerate health (unless you were a part of Weapon X’s past projects) so don’t forget to “power back up” by seeking the nearest hospital after every altercation.

2. Befriend “That Guy”

This one may seem obvious: just befriend the future gunman and you won’t get shot, right? Not so fast. While that method would work, it’s almost impossible to figure out exactly who might forget to take their medication and decide to go postal. What I mean by “that guy” is “that guy-who-everyone-sorta-likes-but-wouldn’t-mind-something-horrible-happening-to”. You know him; he’s that fat guy who’s been a senior since your freshman orientation; has spent a majority of his life wearing a baseball cap backwards; and he’s only fun to hang out with when there’s an overwhelming amount of alcohol around. If you’re standing directly beside him when the muzzle gets exposed, your chances for survival rise by 100%.

3. Wear More Animals On Your Chest

I’m talking about seagulls, alligators, eagles, moose … that sort of thing. The logic behind this tactic is to blend in so well with your surroundings that the half-assed assassin doesn’t even notice you’re there. And who on this earth is less noticeable than people that wear golf shirts with the aforementioned animals? That’s right, nobody! By limiting your wardrobe to items that can only be purchased in dark & smelly caverns, the shooter won’t feel the need to waste bullets on you when you meet you in the hallway. He already cleared off dozens of your kind when he started his rampage in the library!

4. Listen to Adele

For all of her Grammy awards and adorable cockney accents, Adele is in many ways the embodiment of new-age teenage angst. In fact, if you pretend every ex-boyfriend reference is actually about her overbearing parents, you’ll find yourself unable to distinguish between 21 and Simple Plan’s Greatest Hits (it’s an LP). The point is, your eventual ‘Kampus Killer’ (copyright Fox News, 2013) is going to be well versed in the works of Ms. Adkins, so it helps to speak the same language. However depending on your love-life, this method has the side-effect of making you so miserable from listening to nothing but Adele that you’ll choose to throw yourself in front of the bullet.

5. Don’t Be Popular

This will be easy for many of you, but if you don’t know where to start just follow each steps I’ve outlined thus far and you should be fine. The reasoning for becoming the unpopular weird kid is two-fold; obviously the gunman is looking for high-profile targets and won’t want to shoot the weird kid, since nobody will miss him; and if you engrain yourself deep inside the burls of the woodwork you may even stumble upon the future assailant months in advance, allowing you to find out his schedule and be conveniently absent from class on the day he decides to show off his dad’s hunting equipment.

Hate the Player & The Game

This article was also featured on Points In Case

It’s time for the second installment of “relationship advice from a guy who’s never been in a relationship.” As some of you may know, there exists a book in this world that promises that even the geekiest and most social inept males can score with beautiful women. And if I know my audience, you all just put down whatever microwave food you were eating and inched closer to the screen.

This book is called The Game by Neil Strauss and has been providing seduction help for the past five years. I’m here to tell you all a huge secret: it’s all a scam. Fuck negs, IOI’s, kino, and all that garbage. Here’s my patented guide to seduction: if you see a girl you like, go up to her and say hi. Crazy, right? What we as men don’t understand is that women, for the most part, want to be approached and talked to. That’s why they wear cute outfits, get their hair done, work out, and buy ridiculously expensive bags—they want to get noticed. I’ll admit that the book does provide solid help in terms of openers. It tells you to ask the girl(s) a question and have them respond with their opinion. Where the book goes wrong is by giving the reader too many rules to follow: first you open, then set a false time constraint, then demonstrate value, neg, isolate, kino, etc. You need to be able to speak to women without following a linear set of rules. What happens if you forget a step? You’re fucked because you don’t know how to talk to women without your crib sheet.

Why am I harping so much on something like this? I think that the only thing worse than the Ed Hardy dudes charging around when you’re at a bar with friends is those guys who walk around “peacocking” with feathered top hats and beads walking around offering palm readings. Nothing kills a good time faster than a dude sauntering up and trying to steal your date, especially if this dude is covered in some sort of reflective-neon-polyester material and is wearing ski goggles while he tries to get your opinion on some fictional scenario.

Guys, this book has been out for five years! There have been reality shows on it, magazine articles in Cosmo, and Neil Strauss has even been interviewed on The View. Those are the three main sources of information for most women, so they know exactly what you’re doing. The only thing worse than looking like an idiot, is people knowing that you look like an idiot because a book told you to do so, especially if it’s a book about getting laid.