This article was also featured on Points In Case
If you’ve been following the news recently, you’ll see that everyone is pretty concerned with bullies and such, because I guess oil spills and Chilean earth-holes can only be relevant for so long. I have personally never been bullied, partially due to my height, but also because I was a “husky” kid—and when I say husky, I mean “the-whole-Iditarod-roster” husky. Except for the time in grade 6 when a girl who looked like a freckled Brock Lesnar punched me in the face after school, I have never been physically picked on. And it would be pretty hypocritical of me to condemn people for posting their opinions on the web seeing how that’s what I do when I’m not running triathlons.
In honor of everyone wearing purple, which is apparently a “gay” color (you hear that, Justin Bieber?), I thought that I would take a look at another lifestyle choice that millions of people choose to make: being fat. If you think about it, the… how should I say this… gourmands, of our society are given a fairly good deal when compared to gays: they get their own parking spots, scooters with wire baskets, two seats on the plane, and access to the family change stall when using the local pool.
With so many people being bullied because of their sexual orientation, I think it’s time we took a hard look at who actually has it worse, gay or fat people. The following are three challenging questions these two groups of people face every day.
1. How Should You Make Friends?
A gay male should have no problem fitting in with a group of women. To use a basketball analogy, for women a gay friend is like a solid point guard, someone who is always valuable for doing the little things while helping make the big plays when it matters. The gay male can offer advice on anything and women will listen to it like it’s the gospel. Prepare for everything you do to be labelled “adorable.” If you’re a female-gay then I guess you can join a chain-gang or work at a Jamba Juice and hope to make friends that way or something.
If you’re a large male then you might be able to get away with just wearing a backwards hat and Lacoste polo while getting alcoholically-obliterated at every party in the hopes of becoming “That Fun Fat Guy.” However, if you’re a female you may have a hard time finding a place you can fit… in. Girls are catty but if you find the right one you have a chance at being her emotional rock, someone whose friendship she’ll constantly take for granted while she verbally belittles you. Don’t worry though, if Disney movies have taught me anything it’s that you can become prettier and skinnier than her after a 2-minute montage of you working out to “Let’s Get Physical.”
2. What Should You Wear?
It’s a well-documented fact that gay people can wear whatever the hell they want and make it come off as trendy, but did you also know that being gay gives you an automatic discount at American Apparel? All you have to do is blow the cashier (so I’ve heard).
Well, you don’t have all that many options do you? You can throw on whatever fits your spherical body, but make sure that your clothes don’t have any stripes, dots, pastels, colors, or any sort of pattern whatsoever. You do have the big advantage of being able to pull off a Hawaiian party shirt though! But so does the gay guy so I guess we’ll chalk this up as another loss. However, if your government ever gets overthrown by a communist dictator who makes everyone wear neutral-toned uniforms then you’ll be living on easy street!
3. Will You Get Laid?
Yes. Simply and unabashedly yes. Men by nature try to have sex with everything and everyone they see. So you can only imagine what happens when two unstoppable forces meet each other, probably at a Starbucks with Lady Gaga plays in the background. The thing about queer-culture is that there an audience for everything, are you fat and hairy? Skinny and hairy? Young and pre-pubescent? Overly aggressive? That’s fine, there’s an animal term for every one of those things (Bear, Otter, Twink and Wolf in case you were wondering).
Outside of weird fetishes that some women might have, the only chance you’ll have to get laid is if there’s a very competitive bachelorette-scavenger-hunt that requires them to sleep with someone who’s mass exceeds the parties combined weight. However, you could always start playing World of Warcraft in the hopes of meeting a nice girl there, or simply make a female account and bask in the attention that you’ll get from the hundreds of nerds who are just as lonely as you!
So there you have it, before making the important choice of what you want to do with your life, make sure to read these crucial guidelines. I only wish that I had something like this when I decided that I would like to lead a straight lifestyleTweet